It’s been almost a week of going to school without Mama.

We have been anticipating major outbursts of emotions in the morning, but instead Hubby told me little man just quietly murmured “Mama” as he sobbed every morning. He was not as emotional and fussy in the evening as he was in the first few weeks, but occasionally he would still make a fuss out of no reason. However, it is getting easier to calm him down and communicate with him.

On Tuesday, after I brought little man home, I went to the kitchen as usual to prepare his milk. Usually, he would sit on the sofa and start to doodle with his boogie board. But that day, he came to the kitchen and demanded me to put down whatever I was doing. I thought he needed help in something, hence I went to him and asked what he wanted. He came and started hugging me. He said he wanted me to “baby” him. And I spent a good 20 minutes cradling him like I used to when he was just an infant, carassing and kissing him while he just laid in my arms. He did not want his cartoon, nor did he want his toys. He only wanted Mama to hold him like this, and refused to let me go anywhere.

I tried hard to control my tears, and I wondered to myself, what have I done? Was it a right decision I have made? Was it right to deny my baby of such a simple need of his, to be with his Mama every day, just like the past year.

My baby misses me. He is unable to verbalise it, but he has shown it in all his unusual crankiness and emotions. He only wanted Mama to bathe him and sleep with him. But Mama is trying to avoid spreading her viruses and germs to him, hence she tries to avoid being too close to him as much as she can.

It tore me up to see little man like that. Yet, going back to work has been so tiring, I was not able to be as patient as I used to be. To wake up so early in the morning and tend to his demands and needs till late at night is a very draining affair. It doesn’t help that my health has been bad. I am so grateful for Hubby, but most of the time, little man only wants his Mama.

I need to get well faster and stay strong and healthy.

I want to be the Mama my boy needs. I need to be well to do that.