Have not been sleeping well ever since my second trimester. Either I am plagued by ridiculous dreams that make me wake up feeling so angry and upset I could not get back to sleep, or sleep would be interrupted by ridiculously full bladder even though I already tried limiting my water intake in the evening.
Last night was one of the worst.
I woke up feeling so sad, and started thinking about the time when I delivered little man.
I was in labour for more than 16 hours, throwing up every other minute due to the epidural. By the time little man finally came out, I was totally drained. I remembered vividly that the nurse brought little man to me, asking if I wanted to carry him. I told her no, and she swiftly carried little man away from my sight.
Till this day, this is one of my biggest regrets in life, and it will always be. I actually refused my firstborn. Yet at that point in time, it did not occur to me that I do not actually need to “carry” him. He just needs to lie on my chest and stay close to Mama. He just came to this world and would of course be close to his Mama rather than some strangers.
But nothing can bring that moment back again. The moment that I rejected my baby.
Thinking about that brought tears to my eyes. There were so many wrong decisions I have made as a first-time Mama, some of which affected his health in his early years, like the decision to put him in Infant-care, and the decision to apply steroids on him.
I started praying hard for God to be merciful and undo the wrongs I have done. I prayed for little man to be well and strong, and prayed for little pea and I to get through the last trimester safe and sound.
And I turned over to the man whom I love so much, whose thunderous snores also kept me from falling back to sleep, and then plant a kiss on him which miraculously quieten him down, and then tried to get back to sleep.