If I am not Mama

Yesterday, I had an almost fainting episode at home.

I was home alone and with thousand and one things on my mind, I started decluttering and planning for our new arrival who will be here in 2 months’ time. With my tummy getting bigger each day, it is hard to imagine how would it be possible for me to do more even though I will be taking a month maternity leave prior my EDD.

I was trying to take measurements of the children’s room and imagine how would the new furniture arrangement be like. Probably I pushed myself too hard, I started perspiring profusely. The next thing I knew, I blanked out while on my way to the sofa. It was scary. I immediately looked for my mobile phone and started calling Hubby with my limited consciousness at that point in time. I was scared that I couldn’t reach anyone before I lose consciousness completely.

Well, I did not lose it completely. I did manage to feel better after lying on the sofa for a while, but this episode left me feeling weak and generally unwell.

This morning, when I woke up and recalled about what happened yesterday, a sense of nonsensical sadness and fear came over me. I started thinking about the days when I was just me, not Mama nor anyone’s anything. And I think, sometimes at the back of my mind, I miss those days a lot.

The other day, I was reading a friend’s post about feeling guilty for feeling sick and tired of being a SAHM, and I can totally feel her, except that I am currently a FTWM. I don’t know which is worse, being a FTWM and feeling guilty about not being able to do more for your children, or being a SAHM and feeling guilty about feeling sick and tired of not having any time of your own. Frankly, I have been both, and as a matter of fact, both are as tough.

It will only be easier if you learn to let go. Like some lucky souls out there who rarely need to take childcare leave because they can just leave their sick child in the hands of parents or in-laws. It is always easier when you have help that you can trust, and you must just let go and not dwell on the nitty-gritty. And that, is no easy feat.

Just trying to figure out the future sleeping and feeding arrangements give me slight depression. I guess it is never easy, even though this is the second time we are going through it. And truth to be told, as much as I am looking forward to be able to see my little pea, I am so not looking forward to the sleepless nights and breastfeeding woes.

For some reasons, I am missing my sister and Mother who were having fun in Hongkong now. Okay, I am not making any sense here.

A while ago, I met up with a close friend CW for my birthday. She was telling me how put off she was about having children when she met up with another close friend, a mother of two. She looked so dishevelled and tired, unlike what she looked like before children. And she kept telling her how tiring it is to be a mother of two. CW, who is currently attached with marriage on the cards, went home crying to her boyfriend that she doesn’t want to have any children if that is going to be her future.

I was amused as I listened to her, but I fully understood where she was coming from.

Personally, having children was never a mandatory for marriage. I have told Hubby before little man was conceived, it is alright if in the end we are not able to conceive. Similarly, before little pea was conceived, I told him the very same thing, that it is alright if we are unable to have a second child before I turn 35. Of course, we feel blessed and thankful for little man and little pea. But if it turned out that we are not able to conceive, it is alright.

I will not lie. Having little man is an important turning point in my life I would have never imagine. It does not just change your lifestyle, it changes you as a person. I would not have imagine giving my love and myself so selflessly to another person, until I had little man. But sometimes, and perhaps this is one of the time, especially when I read how much others are enjoying their overseas trips and breaks, I wonder what would life be, if little man had not come into my life.

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