To my little man

Do you know how much Mama love you?

You answered yes.

Yet I wonder if you really do.

There are so many times Mama wants to just hold you tight and never let go, especially now when your baby brother gets to cling to Mama, and you only get to watch on.

Mama tries. Mama tries very hard to make sure you are never left out. If Mama has to breastfeed you baby brother with one hand, my other free hand belong to you as long as you are willing.

You have been such a good boy, such a loving brother, although sometimes I can see doubts and insecurity in your eyes.

Just now you ask me out of the sudden, if I like you. It just broke my heart into a million pieces to hear that question. I do not only like you my baby boy, Mama loves you more than I love myself.

Mama really enjoys having time alone with you, running errands, doing grocery shopping and bringing you to the doctor. I am happy to see you enjoying simple things like that. That day when we were alone, you asked me if I am happy. Yes, my darling. Seeing you so satisfied and smiley makes me day, even though Mama feels so tired.

Mama is sorry that I have to push you away when you try to get close to Didi these days. Mama tried to explain to you that you are sick and must refrain from passing the virus to Didi. If Didi is sick now, given his young age and the strength of your virus, he may need to be hospitalised. That is the last thing Mama wants. I know it hurts you when I tried to get Didi away from you. It hurts Mama a lot too. But this is something that must be done, lest Didi gets sick.

I love you, my not-so-small-anymore baby. And I will try my best to let you know that every day.

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