Beliefs

Little pea just passed his 4th month. It was not an easy 4 months, but I know it could be worse. Somehow this little chubby pea’s existence makes me count my blessings every single good day more than ever. And on bad days, some real bad days, I just pray really hard.

One fine day, during one really bad period where everyone took turns to fall sick and little man’s skin condition was getting worse again, I was taking a break from all the housework. I was so tired and sad that I stared for a long while into blank air, and I took a good long look at my sick, sleeping baby. I started thinking about little man who was in school, and I started asking God why do my children have to suffer. Suddenly, I do not understand what really happened, but suddenly I felt at peace. I suddenly understand that God send these little angels to me for a reason. He wants me to take care of them to the best of my abilities and believe I can do that for them. I suddenly felt not so alone, worried and scared. I felt that I just need to try and do my best for them. And that everything will eventually fall into place.

I have never told anyone about this.

I was born into a family who believe in a mixture of Buddhism and Taoism, whichever works for them. I grew up a free-thinker. I studied Buddhism in my primary school and the bible in the first half of my secondary school. I was very put off by how the pastors in that school “hardsell” their religion to us non-believers and actually told us that all other religions are devils. Somehow, I went to a Catholic school in the later part of my secondary years. There, I was not forced to study or read any bibles. Then fate has it that I spent a good part of my working life in a Catholic school and I started to grow close to the religion. I have never attended Church, nor do I see myself as a Catholic, but I started to find out more about the religion.

What does that makes me? I have no idea. Why do I write this? I have no idea too.

Actually, this post is supposed to be about how well my baby is growing and sleeping through the night, and how loving my eldest is to his little baby brother. Sorry I digress.

There are just so many things on my mind right now, I want to relive that moment, that moment that I feel God speaks to me, that as long as I do my best, HE will be with us too, that whatever nasties will eventually come to an end, no matter how bad.

I am tired. Let me continue another day.

May we all have a blessed and well-rested night.

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