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First family outing

With an active 3-year-old and an infant in tow, is no easy feat.

Hubby and I were feeling rather brave and capable, hence we decided to bring the children out on the Hari Raya Puasa holiday. Little man has been asking if we are going “shopping” every weekend, and truth to be told, I have so many things I want to buy, my shopping list is getting longer and longer.

So yesterday, we let little man sleep in till 9-ish (not us, as we barely really sleep ever since little pea arrived), had breakfast and started to get ready at 11am, thinking that we should be able to get out of the house for lunch. Then little pea had to poo. Then Hubby had to poo. So I ended up showering both boys by myself within the short span of half an hour (I never fail to amaze myself). When I was trying to get myself ready, little man started shouting for me. And so I ran out of the bathroom with just a towel, thinking that something has happened, only to find out that little man wanted my company in the living room because he was alone. Just then Hubby came out of the bathroom, hence I was finally able to shower in peace. Then little pea started to fuss, so Hubby fed him again. Then he regurgitated a big mouthful of milk and left us wondering if we should change him again.

The short 2 hours is so eventful that when we finally got out of the house at 1-ish, I felt like calling it quits and plonk my tired self onto the sofa. But I did not, so we pushed ourselves forward and finally reached Marina Square for lunch by 2pm.

After lunch, we went to Kiddy Palace and Mothercare to look for some items for the boys. Every time I start to look at the things to buy, little man will shout for me to come because “he wanted to show me something”. When Hubby finally got him out of my way, little pea started to fuss, and that’s when we realised he is hungry again. At one point, I felt a little light-headed with so many things going on, I’ve lost all my mood to shop. Then little man wanted to nap, so I took out the baby carrier and wear little pea. But he got so excited with all the children running around at the playground, he decided he was not tired after all. So I put little pea back in the stroller. After a while, he got so tired that he really needed his nap, I had to take out little pea again to wear him. Little pea became so frustrated with his disturbed sleep, he started fussing again.

At the end of the day, I told Hubby that although I am very proud of ourselves for keeping our cool and managing the children well for the entire day, I think I may need a long break from “shopping” before we attempt another day out. The lack of sleep definitely adds on to the weariness and lack of stamina as well. So for the time being, I shall just be contented with my online shopping.

To my little man

Do you know how much Mama love you?

You answered yes.

Yet I wonder if you really do.

There are so many times Mama wants to just hold you tight and never let go, especially now when your baby brother gets to cling to Mama, and you only get to watch on.

Mama tries. Mama tries very hard to make sure you are never left out. If Mama has to breastfeed you baby brother with one hand, my other free hand belong to you as long as you are willing.

You have been such a good boy, such a loving brother, although sometimes I can see doubts and insecurity in your eyes.

Just now you ask me out of the sudden, if I like you. It just broke my heart into a million pieces to hear that question. I do not only like you my baby boy, Mama loves you more than I love myself.

Mama really enjoys having time alone with you, running errands, doing grocery shopping and bringing you to the doctor. I am happy to see you enjoying simple things like that. That day when we were alone, you asked me if I am happy. Yes, my darling. Seeing you so satisfied and smiley makes me day, even though Mama feels so tired.

Mama is sorry that I have to push you away when you try to get close to Didi these days. Mama tried to explain to you that you are sick and must refrain from passing the virus to Didi. If Didi is sick now, given his young age and the strength of your virus, he may need to be hospitalised. That is the last thing Mama wants. I know it hurts you when I tried to get Didi away from you. It hurts Mama a lot too. But this is something that must be done, lest Didi gets sick.

I love you, my not-so-small-anymore baby. And I will try my best to let you know that every day.

A bad scare

Waiting for little pea to wake up for his 3pm milk as I am typing this post. It’s been a month since his birth and I am constantly amazed by how Hubby and I are surviving on so little sleep.

Even though I ate very healthy and clean throughout my pregnancy with little pea, he did not come out problem-free. He was very colicky on the first day of his birth and did not manage to pee until the next day of our hospital stay. Then he developed very bad baby acne and reflux issues subsequently. He is constantly crying after feed, arching his back in pain. He also has trouble burping the air out. Ironically, little man was a much healthier baby than little pea is.

Earlier in the week, little pea was suddenly pooing more than usual, and they were mushy and green. I was so worried, but because we were having an appointment with the pediatrician the next day, I did not bring him to see the doctor immediately. And so, we went for his appointment the next morning, full of queries and worries. Little did we know, the “diarrhea” is the least of his problems.

At the clinic, I was trying to tell the pediatrician about my worries when she solemnly started telling me about a heart murmur she heard when examining little pea. I remember looking blankly at her as if she was speaking a foreign language. When all finally sank in, I was trying hard not to cry.

A heart murmur. A probable hole in his heart. Or some other serious issues. I had so many things running through my mind.

The pediatrician then consoled me that it is probably nothing, but it’s better for us to take little pea to a specialist to do an ultrasound. She started telling me the difference in costs between going to the polyclinic to get a referral to KKH and going straight to a private specialist. “It’s really no hurry”, she said. “But if you want, you can probably get an appointment with the private specialist later in the afternoon.”

Throughout the journey back home, my mom and I were very quiet. I was silently tearing while baby-carrying my little pea. After discussing with Hubby, we decided to bring little pea immediately to the private cardio specialist later in the afternoon. I was praying so hard throughout the ultrasound. Fortunately, everything was working fine in his tiny little heart, except that at certain points of his blood vessels, there is higher pressure than normal. It is likely that these difference in pressure is causing the heart murmur. We were told to go back for a review 6 months later.

It was such a bad scare. But it was also a reminder that as long as this little life is strong and healthy, it does not matter how many more sleep-deprived nights we are going to have, because these are all happy problems. Nothing really matters as long as we are all safe and healthy.

A mother’s guilt

I woke up this morning, missing my little man very much. A sudden overwhelming emotion came over me and brought my heart down to the bottom. It must be the lack of sleep and the adjusting hormones that are causing all these.

My little man just left for school an hour ago. I did not manage to bid him goodbye with kisses and hugs at the door, something I would have done before little pea came along. I was exhausted, lying in bed, hoping to catch more winks. Before I realised it, little man and Hubby left the house. Many times this morning, little man called out to me. I was either busy with little pea, or unable to get myself out of bed because my head felt so heavy. Before he left for school, he came to my bedroom door calling out to me for the last time. I beckoned him to come onto the bed to sit beside me. But he did not. And then he left for school.

I really miss little man so much. I miss spending time with him, reading to him and playing with him. He has been such a good boy and a loving brother ever since little pea came into our lives. Yet, I am unable to spend more time with him. Every night, I make sure I spend a little time with him to pray and tell him how much I love him. And I wonder if he truly understands how much I love him, and how sad I feel not able to spend more time with him.

My dear little man, bear with Mama until your little brother learns to sleep through the night alright? Mama needs to regain her sleep and sanity while we try to figure out a schedule that can work best for all of us. Mama loves you so much. Don’t ever doubt that.

Our little pea

Most of you would have already known, but still I want to officially introduce the 2-week-old new member of our little family,

Little pea.

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It has been a extremely tiring yet wonderful 2 weeks since little pea arrived. There are so many things in my mind that I want to put into words. But I am just too sleep-deprived at the moment. Let me slowly get used to the new schedule that involves a little human being and my hard-as-rock-and-painful-beyond-words twin assets. Then I can get back to writing again.

Take care for the time being. 🙂

If I am not Mama

Yesterday, I had an almost fainting episode at home.

I was home alone and with thousand and one things on my mind, I started decluttering and planning for our new arrival who will be here in 2 months’ time. With my tummy getting bigger each day, it is hard to imagine how would it be possible for me to do more even though I will be taking a month maternity leave prior my EDD.

I was trying to take measurements of the children’s room and imagine how would the new furniture arrangement be like. Probably I pushed myself too hard, I started perspiring profusely. The next thing I knew, I blanked out while on my way to the sofa. It was scary. I immediately looked for my mobile phone and started calling Hubby with my limited consciousness at that point in time. I was scared that I couldn’t reach anyone before I lose consciousness completely.

Well, I did not lose it completely. I did manage to feel better after lying on the sofa for a while, but this episode left me feeling weak and generally unwell.

This morning, when I woke up and recalled about what happened yesterday, a sense of nonsensical sadness and fear came over me. I started thinking about the days when I was just me, not Mama nor anyone’s anything. And I think, sometimes at the back of my mind, I miss those days a lot.

The other day, I was reading a friend’s post about feeling guilty for feeling sick and tired of being a SAHM, and I can totally feel her, except that I am currently a FTWM. I don’t know which is worse, being a FTWM and feeling guilty about not being able to do more for your children, or being a SAHM and feeling guilty about feeling sick and tired of not having any time of your own. Frankly, I have been both, and as a matter of fact, both are as tough.

It will only be easier if you learn to let go. Like some lucky souls out there who rarely need to take childcare leave because they can just leave their sick child in the hands of parents or in-laws. It is always easier when you have help that you can trust, and you must just let go and not dwell on the nitty-gritty. And that, is no easy feat.

Just trying to figure out the future sleeping and feeding arrangements give me slight depression. I guess it is never easy, even though this is the second time we are going through it. And truth to be told, as much as I am looking forward to be able to see my little pea, I am so not looking forward to the sleepless nights and breastfeeding woes.

For some reasons, I am missing my sister and Mother who were having fun in Hongkong now. Okay, I am not making any sense here.

A while ago, I met up with a close friend CW for my birthday. She was telling me how put off she was about having children when she met up with another close friend, a mother of two. She looked so dishevelled and tired, unlike what she looked like before children. And she kept telling her how tiring it is to be a mother of two. CW, who is currently attached with marriage on the cards, went home crying to her boyfriend that she doesn’t want to have any children if that is going to be her future.

I was amused as I listened to her, but I fully understood where she was coming from.

Personally, having children was never a mandatory for marriage. I have told Hubby before little man was conceived, it is alright if in the end we are not able to conceive. Similarly, before little pea was conceived, I told him the very same thing, that it is alright if we are unable to have a second child before I turn 35. Of course, we feel blessed and thankful for little man and little pea. But if it turned out that we are not able to conceive, it is alright.

I will not lie. Having little man is an important turning point in my life I would have never imagine. It does not just change your lifestyle, it changes you as a person. I would not have imagine giving my love and myself so selflessly to another person, until I had little man. But sometimes, and perhaps this is one of the time, especially when I read how much others are enjoying their overseas trips and breaks, I wonder what would life be, if little man had not come into my life.

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