Tag Archive: Adjusting to changes

To my little man

Do you know how much Mama love you?

You answered yes.

Yet I wonder if you really do.

There are so many times Mama wants to just hold you tight and never let go, especially now when your baby brother gets to cling to Mama, and you only get to watch on.

Mama tries. Mama tries very hard to make sure you are never left out. If Mama has to breastfeed you baby brother with one hand, my other free hand belong to you as long as you are willing.

You have been such a good boy, such a loving brother, although sometimes I can see doubts and insecurity in your eyes.

Just now you ask me out of the sudden, if I like you. It just broke my heart into a million pieces to hear that question. I do not only like you my baby boy, Mama loves you more than I love myself.

Mama really enjoys having time alone with you, running errands, doing grocery shopping and bringing you to the doctor. I am happy to see you enjoying simple things like that. That day when we were alone, you asked me if I am happy. Yes, my darling. Seeing you so satisfied and smiley makes me day, even though Mama feels so tired.

Mama is sorry that I have to push you away when you try to get close to Didi these days. Mama tried to explain to you that you are sick and must refrain from passing the virus to Didi. If Didi is sick now, given his young age and the strength of your virus, he may need to be hospitalised. That is the last thing Mama wants. I know it hurts you when I tried to get Didi away from you. It hurts Mama a lot too. But this is something that must be done, lest Didi gets sick.

I love you, my not-so-small-anymore baby. And I will try my best to let you know that every day.

A mother’s guilt

I woke up this morning, missing my little man very much. A sudden overwhelming emotion came over me and brought my heart down to the bottom. It must be the lack of sleep and the adjusting hormones that are causing all these.

My little man just left for school an hour ago. I did not manage to bid him goodbye with kisses and hugs at the door, something I would have done before little pea came along. I was exhausted, lying in bed, hoping to catch more winks. Before I realised it, little man and Hubby left the house. Many times this morning, little man called out to me. I was either busy with little pea, or unable to get myself out of bed because my head felt so heavy. Before he left for school, he came to my bedroom door calling out to me for the last time. I beckoned him to come onto the bed to sit beside me. But he did not. And then he left for school.

I really miss little man so much. I miss spending time with him, reading to him and playing with him. He has been such a good boy and a loving brother ever since little pea came into our lives. Yet, I am unable to spend more time with him. Every night, I make sure I spend a little time with him to pray and tell him how much I love him. And I wonder if he truly understands how much I love him, and how sad I feel not able to spend more time with him.

My dear little man, bear with Mama until your little brother learns to sleep through the night alright? Mama needs to regain her sleep and sanity while we try to figure out a schedule that can work best for all of us. Mama loves you so much. Don’t ever doubt that.

Just like that, in a twinkle of an eye, two weeks passed.

Time flies when Mama goes back to work. I feel constantly short of time. Not enough time for the unmarked assignments of my students, not enough time for the stack of unironed clothes, not enough time for the dusty house, not enough time to cook a proper meal for my little man, not enough time to accompany and teach him, not enough time to rest and not enough time to sleep. On top of all those, it became quite impossible for any self-time and couple-time.

The Chinese New Year had me very tired as well, considering the packing and unpacking for Malaysia. I was not able to catch rest even when we came back to Singapore. I am quite amazed that I am still in one piece after all these.

After going back to work for almost a month, I think the one thing I miss most is time with little man. A tired Mama is a lazy Mama. I am not able to be as committed as I was in ensuring his daily nutritious meal. I am also not quite able to teach him as much as I intended to. I just feel really tired most of the time.

However, going back to work brought me fresh thoughts and perspectives. Going back to teach the young ones reminded me of why I stay on in this profession. The young ones, though not mine, are as endearing as my own little man. Sometimes, while teaching them, I myself relearn about life as well.

I think I just need to catch up on more sleep and get stronger in health and immunity. There is so much more I want to do for little man. Just putting in down in words so that I do not forget even when things get busier at work.

I want to:

  • Bring him to the library at least once a week.
  • Bring him to the playground whenever I can.
  • Revise his learning in school every weekend.
  • Read to him at least a book a day (Hubby has been doing well in this aspect.)
  • Cook dinner for him whenever I can.

I don’t know how much I can do, but I must try. It’s never easy, but I believe the results will be rewarding. πŸ™‚

Embracing changes

It’s been another tiring week. (I believe this phrase will be sticking with me for a while till the next long break.)

Little man fell sick again with a bad running nose. When he kept sneezing last Friday, Hubby and I knew something was brewing. It has became so predictable after these two years. And just as expected, the sneezing turned into something more serious on Sunday.

Hubby took leave to bring him to the pediatrician on Monday. The queue was horrendous and they waited for a good 3 hours before seeing the pediatrician. While waiting, they went to the nearby shopping mall to have breakfast at Toastbox, played at the nearby playground and had lunch at Ding Tai Fung. Little man had so much fun that he told me that night while I was accompanying him to bed, β€œηˆΈηˆΈεΈ¦ζˆ‘ε‡ΊεŽ»ηŽ©γ€‚β€ As for the doctor visit, he doesn’t seemed to have much memory of it, other than the pretty receptionist who ushered them in. Hubby, on the other hand, was so worn out by the morning’s events.

Having to accompany little man to sleep was very tiring for me as well. This is especially so when he couldn’t sleep well due to his blocked nose. He would wake up a few times in the night, crying for me. He would not take Hubby at all, resulting in a very tired Mama the very next morning.

I never really had to accompany him to sleep as he started sleeping by himself since ages ago. We will leave him in his room after shower, and he will be playing with his toys and entertaining himself with plenty of songs and gibberish. We would adjust his room’s lighting according to his requests and eventually, he will fall asleep. Ever since he attended school, he became so clingy to me that he will cry the house down if I did not accompany him to sleep. This meant that I absolutely have no time for myself before going to bed as it will be so late by the time he falls asleep. I would have to go to bed soon after, considering that I have to wake up at 6am the next morning.

I was really frustrated initially. Juggling between work time, parenting time and self time is so much tougher when little man is so clingy. Imagine after working the entire day, I had to rush off to fetch little man from school, and then cook dinner for him. After dinner, it will be house-chores time, little man’s bedtime and then my own bedtime. Where is the self-time?

However, as days go by, I realised how important my company is to little man. Hence, I started embracing this change. Instead of seeing it as a sacrifice, I started to cherish the night time together with him. He would sometimes tell me about his friends and school. It gave me deeper insights of what is on his little mind. Having said that, Hubby and I still hope for him to slowly be an independent sleeper again.

In the midst of one of his many tantrums.

Missing Mama

It’s been almost a week of going to school without Mama.

We have been anticipating major outbursts of emotions in the morning, but instead Hubby told me little man just quietly murmured “Mama” as he sobbed every morning. He was not as emotional and fussy in the evening as he was in the first few weeks, but occasionally he would still make a fuss out of no reason. However, it is getting easier to calm him down and communicate with him.

On Tuesday, after I brought little man home, I went to the kitchen as usual to prepare his milk. Usually, he would sit on the sofa and start to doodle with his boogie board. But that day, he came to the kitchen and demanded me to put down whatever I was doing. I thought he needed help in something, hence I went to him and asked what he wanted. He came and started hugging me. He said he wanted me to “baby” him. And I spent a good 20 minutes cradling him like I used to when he was just an infant, carassing and kissing him while he just laid in my arms. He did not want his cartoon, nor did he want his toys. He only wanted Mama to hold him like this, and refused to let me go anywhere.

I tried hard to control my tears, and I wondered to myself, what have I done? Was it a right decision I have made? Was it right to deny my baby of such a simple need of his, to be with his Mama every day, just like the past year.

My baby misses me. He is unable to verbalise it, but he has shown it in all his unusual crankiness and emotions. He only wanted Mama to bathe him and sleep with him. But Mama is trying to avoid spreading her viruses and germs to him, hence she tries to avoid being too close to him as much as she can.

It tore me up to see little man like that. Yet, going back to work has been so tiring, I was not able to be as patient as I used to be. To wake up so early in the morning and tend to his demands and needs till late at night is a very draining affair. It doesn’t help that my health has been bad. I am so grateful for Hubby, but most of the time, little man only wants his Mama.

I need to get well faster and stay strong and healthy.

I want to be the Mama my boy needs. I need to be well to do that.

Getting there

A friend once posted on his FB, asking which is worse, a sick adult or a sick child. I replied saying that I would rather be the one sick, than to see my child suffer. But if you ask me again, I probably pray hard that none of us will be sick.

It pained the adult to see her child suffer. Yet it is no less painful to not being able to fully focus on taking care on your child because you are unwell.

I hate to say this, but I have been sick again last Monday, down with a bad cold that very quickly escalated to the lost of voice and bad cough that wouldn’t go away. There is so much going on in little man’s life that I wanted to record down, but all that filled my mind is that unknown ailment from a month ago, my bad cough and going back to work next week.

This is not how I wanted it to be.

I wanted to spend my last free week with my little baby cuddling him, kissing him, playing with him and revising with him all the things that have been taught in school. But no, instead this last week was spent trying to avoid being too close to him so that I do not pass the virus to him. I practically wear a surgical mask every single minute with him. And I am so thankful that neither him nor Hubby has gotten any of the sick bug from me.

Little man has slowly gotten used to going to school. He now has teachers whom he adores and that really makes it easier to persuade him to put on his uniform and go to school in the morning. Although getting him to wake up without fuss is still impossible, I believe it takes just a little bit more time.

Next week when I go back to work, Hubby will have to deal with him alone in the morning. I don’t know how he is going to manage as little man still cries for me every morning when he wakes up. But I have faith in Hubby. He will survive. πŸ™‚

Little man’s temper has simmered down a little. However, he can still be very stubborn and aggressive sometimes to get what he wanted. At times, he doesn’t even know what he wants, kicking a big fuss over nothing. He has also started to be rather rude to Hubby, pointing to him fiercely, telling him to go away. That hurts Hubby a lot, but he is trying to be as understanding as he can be. For me, I will always make sure I step in as the discipline mistress, telling little man off and asking him to apologise to his Daddy.

Once, I tried the naughty corner with little man. He refused to have his dinner, insisting to draw in his room. Hence I switch off the lights in his room and left him there. He was upset that we started having dinner and ignored him, he started to kick a fuss beside the dining table. I then dragged him to his room and left in at this strategic corner. He came out crying, and I dragged him back again. This went on for a awhile. I was waiting for him to calm down, but knowing my boy, I know he can probably go on forever. He is too egoistic. In the end, I carried him up, gave him a tight hug and asked him to calm down. After he calmed down, I started telling him what he has done wrong and I do not want to see him behaving like that again. After that, he obediently sat down and had his dinner, as if nothing has happened at all.

My little man is definitely growing up in ways we cannot anticipate. He is now learning his boundaries, and it is our responsibilities to teach him. In what ways do we teach? That is something we must trial and error. Little man is one stubborn mule. He is like a hard rock if you try to get to him the harsh way. I find it easier to get through to him when he softens his stance. It really takes a lot of patience and tender loving care. But we will get there.

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