Tag Archive: Thoughts

Sleepless night

Have not been sleeping well ever since my second trimester. Either I am plagued by ridiculous dreams that make me wake up feeling so angry and upset I could not get back to sleep, or sleep would be interrupted by ridiculously full bladder even though I already tried limiting my water intake in the evening.

Last night was one of the worst.

I woke up feeling so sad, and started thinking about the time when I delivered little man.

I was in labour for more than 16 hours, throwing up every other minute due to the epidural. By the time little man finally came out, I was totally drained. I remembered vividly that the nurse brought little man to me, asking if I wanted to carry him. I told her no, and she swiftly carried little man away from my sight.

Till this day, this is one of my biggest regrets in life, and it will always be. I actually refused my firstborn. Yet at that point in time, it did not occur to me that I do not actually need to “carry” him. He just needs to lie on my chest and stay close to Mama. He just came to this world and would of course be close to his Mama rather than some strangers.

But nothing can bring that moment back again. The moment that I rejected my baby.

Thinking about that brought tears to my eyes. There were so many wrong decisions I have made as a first-time Mama, some of which affected his health in his early years, like the decision to put him in Infant-care, and the decision to apply steroids on him.

I started praying hard for God to be merciful and undo the wrongs I have done. I prayed for little man to be well and strong, and prayed for little pea and I to get through the last trimester safe and sound.

And I turned over to the man whom I love so much, whose thunderous snores also kept me from falling back to sleep, and then plant a kiss on him which miraculously quieten him down, and then tried to get back to sleep.

26/27 weeks and 8 months

Hey there.

We have been away for a long time, mainly because the blog has been down for a while due to technical issues, and also because we have been very busy.

I don’t know where time has gone to, but we are now on our way into the 3rd trimester.

The first 2 trimesters have been really tiring. To top it up, little man caught a horrible bug from his Speech & Drama class, and has been very sick for an entire week just before Chinese New Year. Due to the hovering fever that wouldn’t come down, Hubby and I did not sleep well for the entire week. Being extremely lack of sleep but still dragging myself to work the entire time, I eventually broke down a couple of times. And having Chinese New Year so near and us so unprepared, did not make things any easier. But I was glad that we survived through it all.

Throughout this period, little pea grows well. Too well, in fact. In my last gynea visit, I was ordered to go on a low-carbs, low-sugar diet because little pea was bigger than most. Dr Tham was worried that I would not be able to pass my glucose test that is coming in 3 weeks’ time. This put quite a bit of stress on me, because on the contrary to what Dr Tham believed, I was already eating quite clean and healthy as compared to most. My only indulgence is a packet of Chrysanthemum Tea every evening after dinner. Although I have to admit, somehow I was constantly hungry when I was at work, and I had to snack because I was worried I might faint (which happened in my first pregnancy).

As I do more research on gestational diabetes, I understand better how to adjust my diet. Now, I will prepare a lunchbox full of vegetables so that I can snack on them in between breakfast (at about 7.45am) and lunch (at about 1.45pm). I also snack on mixed nuts whenever I had to. It is a pity I had to limit my fruits intake, because surprisingly, fruits and fruit juice are a no-no due to its sugar level. I am also ordering food delivery from “Food Matters” to my workplace so that I can eat better and cleaner. Perhaps another post for this another day. Now I am just praying that all will be well in my next gynea visit.

Here’s a clear ultrascan of chubby little pea. Not sure if you can see it, but it shows a clear image of his face.

Mama’s Original Weight: 44.8kg
Mama’s Weight at Week 25: 52.9kg
Little Pea’s Weight at Week 25: 986g

In other news, little man is now 8 months steroid-free.

His eczema is definitely spreading, although he is looking so much better now and his skin is feeling so much softer to touch as compared to the past 8 months.

Somehow, I feel we are at a bottle-neck again as his naturopath is back in Canada for maternity leave and I feel that her replacement is not as good. Naturopath is not cheap and I wonder if I should continue with the replacement, try another TCM practitioner or holistic doctor recommended by some, or just wait it out. Based on many successful stories, time plays a part too. The damaged gut and body need time to heal. But sometimes I am just too anxious for little man to be well before little pea comes into the picture. I am not sure if I can deal with too many things on my plate when that happens. Based on my previous pregnancy experience, postnatal blues is very real and can do things to your mind you never knew.

Anyway, I am too tired to think about this now. May God show us the right path as we slowly journey forward.

A few pictures to show his condition, although pictures often do not tell the whole story.

7th Dec 2015

7th Feb 2016

You know, actually work has been really shitty. No, let me correct that, some people at work has been really shitty. The most shitty part of it all is that, you have no full idea what exactly they have done or said behind your back to put you in the dire situation that you are in currently. And they do that based on one simple reason, they do not like you, so does their clique. It sounded so childish but at the same time, you know that it is such childish play that could land you in muddy waters.

But every time when I come home feeling tired of trying to be strong and hiding my anger, and I look at my little man who has been such a good boy, and so optimistic and happy despite his eczema discomfort, my Hubby who has been doing so much for us and our growing family despite his own tiring work and little pea who is getting so much stronger with his kicks, I feel like nothing else really matters. Because shitty work is just a very small part of my life. And putting that aside, I am grateful for everything good that has come to me, including good friends and colleagues who make the shit more bearable.

Goodbye and Hello

And so, we have come to the end of 2015.

Hubby has been saying how unlucky this year has been for us. Personally, I don’t feel too strongly about that. The only unfortunate thing that keeps bugging me for the entire year is little man’s eczema situation. It has brought me to a whole new level of paranoia and weariness of motherhood.

Yet I am extremely grateful, in spite of all the tears, heartbreaks and unanswered prayers. Yes, 2015 is not a great year, but I am grateful for all the wonderful people who have come to make things better. And this definitely include selfless loved ones who offer their love and help so generously. We are able to move forward because of all of you.

I am grateful because I know things could be worse. And I believe that You are watching over us, as we tread this journey You lay out for us. And I wanted to believe that there will be light at the end of it.

I am grateful because we have come to the end of the year, safe and sound. Our families, friends and loved ones have all come to the end of the year, safe and sound.

May 2016 be a good year for all of us. May we spend the year in good health and happiness. Nothing else matters.

Will get better

Hubby has been saying how this year is a really bad year, although we are barely half-way through it. It’s like someone dropped the Murphy’s Law on us, and everything that can go wrong, went wrong.

First, it was the flooded balcony, then the unknown dizzy spells and blurred vision, topping it up with the leaking ceiling of the floor below (which translates to our problem as well). As if all these are not enough, our airconditioner created a havoc with its loud hum through the night every night. And then little man started to develop this thick rash around his ankle that wouldn’t go away. A week later, he caught a very bad cold and had an ongoing cough for almost 2 weeks, complicated by a sudden fever in between. In addition, work has been pounded with issues as well. It’s really not easy to go through all these and I was practically counting down day by day, hoping that all these problems will be settled one by one.

Somehow all issues became non-issues when little man fell ill. I requested for Hubby to take over the other problems so that I can concentrate on little man. I just wanted little man to get well, and nothing else matters.

Looking back, I think things were not as bad as we thought in the first place. It could be worse, but it did not get there. We learn and relearn important lessons along the way. We became stronger.

And I pray, praying hard each day, that things will get easier and easier, as we move forward with faith, hope and resolution.

What come may

This morning while strolling at the park, Hubby suddenly told me that he had a strong feeling that my next pregnancy will be a pair of twins.

I freaked out on the spot.

Truth to be told, just thinking back about how difficult going through a pregnancy is, scares the hell out of me. It is already very tiring to deal with work, housework and a playful, clingy and emotional toddler on a daily basis. Yes, no doubt it is very fulfilling and at times, entertaining. But just the thought of puking every day and night for the almost entire pregnancy puts me off. I can’t imagine having twins. Double the agony, I supposed?

If I were younger, I would probably give myself a few more years to settle down. But I am not. And the risks for both mother and child go up as the mother gets older. So I guess, it’s really now or never.

I think I need some time to get used to the idea of having twins. So when they really come, I am able to embrace these little lives in my petite body.

穹顶之下 Under the dome

Some time ago, I came across an article that wrote about this 104-minute self-funded documentary “Under the Dome”, released by an ex-anchor of China Central Television, Chai Jing 柴静. In the video, she spoke in-depth about the air pollution situation in China.

This is not a new issue in China, but what touched me deeply was how her new role as a mother forced her to review this issue in a different light, hoping to make a difference to the environment that her daughter now lives in.

I think it is absolutely possible for Singapore (and our surrounding countries) to follow the footsteps of China if our unapologetic neighbour who have no qualms about polluting the fresh air, continues to do so more and more frequently. It is sad that our ministers cannot do anything about it. It is even sadder that many are taking it more lightly than they should.

I think Chai Jing explained very well in the video how these small particles in the air can harm us in the long run. Hence, I will always put on a surgical mask (although not the best) whenever haze happens. However, I am not able to force the mask upon my little toddler, so the best I can do for him, is to keep him at home when that happens.

Am I being too paranoid? I don’t know. What would you have done then?

历史就是这样创造的。 (History is created like that)
就是千千万万的普通人, (Millions of common people)
有一天他们会说不, (One day, they will say no)
我不满意(现状),我不想等待。 (I am not satisfied with the current situation, I do not want to wait)
我也不再推诿。 (I will no longer shirk responsibility)
我要站起来做点什么 (I want to stand up for myself and do something about it)…

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