Into the unknown

Little man is finally back to school yesterday after being away for what seemed like a long while.

We walked him to the door like how we used to in the first few days and there he was, walking into the classroom all by himself and started taking off his shoes. It took him a couple of seconds to realise that I am not with him. By then, the teacher at the door has closed the gate and asked him to say goodbye. It was dramatic and heartbreaking to see the change of emotions on his face. The teacher carried him away and I ran to the gate and told him that I will bring him home in a while and buy him his recent favourite soya milk. And then the door was closed, only his cries lingered.

When I went to fetch him that evening, he was crying because the cook whom he called affectionately as “auntie” was going home. She has been coming over to play with him during the day because she found him adorable. However, when she accidentally let out that she was going home, little man cried badly. He must have been so insecured throughout the day, that anyone whom he starts to feel close to is leaving, will make him think of being “abandoned” at the door in the morning. He was surprised when I called out to him. He ran to me and we hugged for the longest time. I kept telling him, ” It’s okay, Mummy is here. Mummy loves you. Mummy is here to bring you home.”

That night, I read the note written by the teacher.

I am really happy to know that little man participated in his lessons. I think our weekly planned playdates really paid off. Even from the first three days, I observed that little man participated more actively than other children. Most children just daze off or walk away to play with what they want to, but little man somehow understand that there is a lesson going on. He will sit in front of the teacher when it is storytime and sing the action songs together with the teachers. It is amazing to see how much he has grown.

However, he has not been eating or drinking well at all ever since that bad episode of diarrhea and flu. It is so tough to try to persuade him to drink his milk, we even resorted to adding milo into his milk for better taste. I certainly hope this is just a phase and he will eventually go back to loving his milk as I intend to let him drink milk until he is much much older. If not, perhaps we need to switch him to something else.

In addition, little man has been acting up quite abit these few days. He is so easily cranky, angry and frustrated. Like today after he came home, he started crying because he felt that he couldn’t draw his aeroplane well. (He actually told me that himself.) But when we tried to draw for him or teach him, he cried even harder. In the end, he is so angry that he doesn’t even want his boogie board and pen.

Initially, I tried to give in to him. I think it is just guilt and heartache for my part. But eventually, I find that I need to let him know it is wrong to throw tantrums like that. To let him know that I love him and will never abandon him is one thing, to give in unconditionally is another. I shouldn’t mix these together. I don’t want to end up with a spoilt brat.

For myself, I just went National Eye Centre for a checkup. It is sad to know that if I go through polyclinic for an appointment, I will have to wait till June; while I can immediately have an appointment the following week if I go in as a private patient. Money really talks, I guess. It sucks to be poor in this tiny country I call home.

Anyway, after doing multiple tests and spending the whole day at the centre, I was told that my eyes are alright functionally. My discomfort, giddiness and all other symptoms could be due to a viral infection at the nerves. And the doctor referred me to an ENT specialist whom she thought could help me find out the cause of my symptoms. So it is another round of waiting game, waiting for someone to find out the cause of my symptoms. It feels like deja vu. Just like many years ago when I was referred to National Heart Centre, ENT, gastro department, speech therapist and a whole lot of long-term medication only to realise all these do not help at all. In the end, after looking for various solutions, I finally found a right TCM practitioner to help me build back my health. I am really thankful for her.

I thought a lot on my way home. It is horrible to have such viral infection. I hate viral infection. It seems to attack everywhere and everyone. Nevertheless, I am thankful that functionally my eye works well. I just have to find out what really went wrong. It might not be as bad as I thought.

When one door closes, another door opens. Everything happens for a reason and everything will go as planned, although unknown to us. We might not understand it at first, but I believe, eventually all will be good and well. We just have to do the best of what we can, and leave God the rest.

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