I went back to my workplace yesterday to prepare for the start of work next month.
There was jitters, uncertainties and a little bit of fear. I have not been able to function in full mode given my current vision. Thankfully, the day went by alright and for a while, I did not even think about it.
When I was leaving, I deliberately passed by the chapel. There were girls inside, singing beautiful hymns. I stood outside for a long while. I wanted to step in. I could not bring myself to do so. My heart felt so full just standing outside the chapel, I am worried I will not be able to contain my emotions if I go in. And I prayed, and I prayed, while standing outside.
This chapel saw me through many of my ups and downs throughout my almost nine years of working life in this place. Many times, I hid inside, seeking solace and praying for light to shine upon my darkness. Many times, things worked out eventually, and I finally could move on. I prayed that I can move on this time too, and eventually, I will be alright.
I cannot deny how much my cuurent condition affects me. Many times, thinking about it just makes me cry. I believe it’s the helplessness, not knowing why. But I told myself and Hubby, I do not want to dwell on it and depress myself further. Crying will not help the situation, it just brings everyone whom I love down. I need to be stronger. Since the eye specialist did not see any physical and functional problem with my eyes, I should just go with her suggestion to see the ENT specialist. If that specialist also thinks there is nothing wrong with me, I would probably seek a second (and more expensive and private) opinion.
I need a plan to pull me through, and this will be it for now.
And I will pray and pray that like many other times when I prayed, all will eventually be well.